i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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