ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
