Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Randomize
