whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
We are all done wearing pants today
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
