yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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