Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize