You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
