I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize