my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I came so hard my ears popped.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
