Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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