I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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