This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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