the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize
