omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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