a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
