if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
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