Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Randomize
