at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
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