I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
