One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
