Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Acid is not a monday night drug
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Did I show you my penis last night?
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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