Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
