I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize