I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
