so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
