My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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