The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
