the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
