Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Randomize
