I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
My balls are so social today.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
