The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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