I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
