This is not my ceiling
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
