if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize