can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
