I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
