He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
She announced her abortion via fbk
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
