If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
