I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Randomize
