I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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