there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
