i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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