im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
