I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
