I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
