my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Randomize
