i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
