she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
