my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
thus making me awesome and them whores
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
