I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Randomize
