CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
