Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize