My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I just had sex on a roof
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Randomize
