the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize