i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
