dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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