There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize