I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
ttyl tear gas
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
