I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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