My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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