My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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