are you still at the devil's house?
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
