Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
