I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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