Tell her she can't have a vagina
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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