what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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