We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
