don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
i think i scared a bird with my dick
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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