Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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