He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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